


Cuts Through Like Silver

by DontRememberMe



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blood, F/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 21:56:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9348215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontRememberMe/pseuds/DontRememberMe
Summary: Mikasa rekindles a messy and dark old habit, Eren sees what she's done and wants nothing more than to be there for her. He hurt her and didn't even know it was him that was causing her pain.





	

**Author's Note:**

> *WARNING*  
> This oneshot contains blood and self harm. If you are working through these issues, I am so sorry. I know what it's like, hence this storys creation. I love you, stay strong and keep winning your fight!~
> 
> *DISCLAIMER*  
> I, sadly, do not own Attack on Titan (AOT/SNK).

She stared blankly at the ceiling, feeling numb. Her eyes had a familiar stinging feeling, tears were trying to make their way down her face. He did it, he pushed her away again. He told her he hated her. All she wanted was to be by his side through everything. Her heart was being slowly crushed into rubble as his words replayed again and again in her mind, tears finally breaking free from her stormy grey eyes. A soft knock at her door came to her ears and she held back a sob as she moved to get up. Quickly, she regained her inner walls she built to keep everyone out and her stoic features returned to her as her usual mask. She would be dammed if she showed anyone that she was feeling weak, that she was weak. Everything was breaking in her head as nausea punched its was into her core, she swallowed hard, trying to make the sickening feeling disappear. It didn't work. She opened the door to reveal her blonde friend, the one that was always level headed throughout everything and anything.

"Hey Mikasa, are you alright?"

He always had such kind features as he spoke softly to her, those were the exact same ones that made him easy pray for the bullies that pounced on him when they were younger. He could tell that she was upset, he was always the one to see right through her most of the time. She couldn't be bothered to keep her guard up with him, he was smart enough to know how she was feeling. She simply nodded.

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright before everyone went to their barracks... Do you need anything?"

He was far too kind, something she admired about him. He noticed how pale she had become after her and Erens fight, it made his heart sink. He never liked it when they argued, but he had grown used to it by now since they were younger. He always seen how it had chipped away at Mikasa over the years they had come to know each other, he always knew of Erens short temper. He always says things he never means, and that made it all the more difficult if he said something he couldn't take back. She simply shook her head this time, her voice aching at the very thought of using it.

He gave her the softest of smiles, they both knew Eren didn't mean what he said, but his words still hurt her the same way. Armin knew Mikasa well enough when to leave her alone to deal with certain things herself, and Erens arguments with her were always one of them, but he was always close enough if she needed anything. He gave her a reassuring touch of the shoulder as he seen exactly how run down the disagreements had made her over the years and she gave him a weak smile in response, thankful of his caring towards her. He left her in peace with a half hearted smile on his face and she closed the door behind him, exhaling a shaking breath. Tonights stab to the heart hurt more than usual this time, she could swear he made her feel as though there was an actual knife in her heart... She could swear she could feel exactly where the blade had been lodged and exactly where the blood was dripping perfuosly. It was blindingly painful. She exhaled another uneven breath and her vision became slightly blurred, she couldn't understand why his remark made her feel physically crippled this time. The new crack to her heart hurt more than the last as she stumbled to lie back on her bed. Her breathing became more rapid and her heavy chest heaved as she began to question everything that's ever happened, her and Eren argued when they were younger, but he got more spiteful of her over the years. Her thoughts flickered to different ones, like a candle in the wind, she was terrified of what her mind would jump to when it would blow out.

"Maybe... He regrets saving my life those years ago... On the day we met..."

Her mind started to think violently towards her own self, she felt her body and limbs become like led as more tears threatened to make themselves visible.

"...He hates me, he hates me, he hates me..."

The sinking feeling only grew and grew as she began to tremble, she was shaken to her very core and her sad realization took over her completely as she let herself drown.

"...I just want to be by your side..."

More pain took over her system, it was like no other she felt before. When something cuts you up this deeply, it's hard to find a way to breathe as time appears as though it's standing still. She was on the very edge, at the end of her tattered rope.

"...Should I sink or swim? Or simply disappear?..."

Thoughts continued to claim her broken mind as more and more pain claimed her heart and soul, if this was what dying felt like, she wished she already was. She raised her shaking arms in front of her eyes, she slowly pulled her jackets sleeve down, exposing her pale flesh and paler marks that rested there permanently. After Eren had saved her life and his family took her into their care, she had nightmare after nightmare as she re-watched the light leave her parents eyes as they were taken from her and she was left alone in a cruel world again and again in her dreams. Her past was something she couldn't escape from. She wasn't sure if Eren figured it out or not, but she always took it out on herself, using a small blade she found one day to kiss her skin. She barley felt it, she ran her slender fingers over the marks where the silver whispered to her skin. She remembered how it felt and her self loathing started all over again. Eren didn't want her, the only other people that loved her were no longer breathing... The only thing she had left was Eren.

"He doesn't care, he never did... He made a mistake..."

Fresh tears interlocked into her obsidian hair as she sat up, her vision blurring again at moving too quickly. She breathed deeply to meet a sharp pain in her chest and winced as she tried to clutch at her heart. She slowly stood and walked over to her military issued drawers, opening a drawer on the far right, and slipping her hand under the hidden compartment, a fake base. Each set of drawers were equipped with one to be able to hide a blade at any given emergency. A spark was dangerously ignited in her as her fingers brushed along the cool metal.

"I'll never give up on you Eren, just myself..."

She took the blade into her hand and the ends of her lips cracked into a sad smile at its touch, her expression turning into a pained one. She withdrew the blade from its resting place and looked at it, its shine reflecting in her tired eyes. Her hand started to shake as she inched it closer to her arm, using her old scars as guides. She rested its sharpness on one before pressing deeper and deeper, blood beginning to bubble up to the surface and run down. She closed her eyes as she pressed deeper into her skin and picked another healed wound to reopen. She gave a faint laugh at the familiar feeling she knew so well a couple of years ago, she wondered why she ever stopped. More tears spilled down her face as she smiled on into her outlet. She opened her eyes again and the shimmer in her blood from the moonlight reflected in her eyes, she didn't remember just doing so many fresh cuts at that moment, but there was enough to make her blood run down her pale arm perfusoly and drip at her fingertips. She smiled weakly and closed her eyes, feeling a new sense of numbness wash over her as she felt more tired. A second knock at her door jarred her away from her new found peace, fear flooded into her system. If someone found out her secret and reported it, she could be deamed as 'Unfit' and be taken out of the military or be forced to seek professional help and have her old joy be taken away... Either way, her contact with Eren would be restricted or taken away. She stared at the door as more of her blood stained everything it touched as it dripped, she really had did a number on herself.

"W-What is it?"

"It's me..."

Erens voice. She became frozen, fresh tears streamed down her face and dripped onto her mangled arm, mixing with her metallic blood.

"What d-do you w-want?..."

She tried to manipulate her voice to make it sound as if she was okay, she knew she failed the second the broken words left her lips and betrayed her.

"Mikasa, I'm sorry for earlier... I didn't mean it... Armin said you looked upset when he checked up on you and I felt so guilty..."

His voice was a low whisper from behind the door, he would be punished if he was caught out of barracks after the final bell, especially with it being the girls barracks... Then they could both possibly be caught.

"It's okay Eren, I'm fine..."

Even she didn't believe her own lie, her voice broke and she cursed under her breath at how weak her actions were compared to what her mind wanted.

"Mikasa, don't lie to me... I know I can be a real asshole, but please don't lie to me... Can I come in?"

Her heart could have stopped at his words, fear and sadness flooded her system entirely. She didn't regret rekindling her old joy, but if he knew, she had a feeling he wouldn't take it well and scold her. He cared about her, they both knew it, but at times, even they both had to second guess if that was true. He pushed her away for years and said things that he could never take back after she looked out for him, he always repeated apologies to her after feeling guilty with his actions, and yet, she still cared for him as he still cared for her. She would never give up on him and he would never push her away completely.

"You can't..."

"Mikasa? What's wrong?"

"Just don't come in..."

Her voice had an edge to it as she warned him, Erens instinct screamed at him to open the door as he felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He clenched his jaw as he let go and listened to the voice in the back of his head. The sight of Mikasa was enough to make his heart break into a million pieces and a mixture of fear, anger and sadness overwhelmed his system... The state of her floor almost looked the same way as the floor of her old family home looked when her parents were killed, it wasn't as blood splattered, but it was almost the same. Images of the deceased Mr and Mrs. Ackerman lying dead on the floor in a pool of their own blood flickered in his head. Eren clenched his jaw again before anger took over him almost completely, his skin temperature rised with the more anger he felt. Did she want what was left of her to fade away? Did she want to be her own murderer? How could she be so reckless? These were the thoughts flooding Erens mind, he saved her those years ago from that fate, and he would do it again.

"HOW COULD YOU BE SO RECKLESS MIKASA?!"

He couldn't help but shout at her, the annoying voice in the back of his head telling him to keep it down. He held his shaking this breath, pausing to see if he woke anyone else up in the female barracks. The continued silence made it clear, or so he hoped, that he hadn't woken anyone else up. He spoke to her through gritted teeth as to hopefully not wake anyone.

"How could you do this Mikasa?! How could you be so fucking stupid?!"

His knuckles turned white as his hands balled into fists, he couldn't pry his eyes away from her sliced arm. Slight anger sparked in herself at his question, stupid? Maybe it was... And maybe she was being reckless, maybe she was playing with her own life, the life he saved, but it was hers and no one elses. All of her reasons all pointed to him and she wasn't sure if she could be honest with him about it, she would never lie to him like that, but she wasn't sure if she was strong enough to tell him the truth. Her gaze never left the floor after he invaded her privacy, she felt ashamed and unworthy to even look up at him. She exhaled a shaken breath, using a hand to keep her dead-feeling arm held up, not caring at the fact that blood was still dripping.

"I'm sorry Eren..."

She broke down in tears then, unable to have the mental strength to keep up a fake act, not that she could do it if she wanted to anyway, he had seen exactly how broken and raw she was feeling. He couldn't help but feel like it was his own fault she did this.

"How long?"

He was speaking bluntly, barley able to form a sentence. She gulped, knowing what he meant.

"It's the first time in a while..."

She swallowed hardly again as she fought to hold back more tears.

"You know, I had a feeling you did it back then too... I guess I was right... I just didn't understand it... So I left you alone..."

She closed her eyes as more pain struck at her heart, Eren was calming down slightly, not that it changed the atmosphere. Silence filled the room, the faint sound of her blood dripping slower and slower on the floor, the flow becoming less and less. A slight feeling of relief calmed his mind a little more, the fact that her blood stopped dripping showed that she hadn't cut into herself too deeply to be fatal, though it was enough to seriously harm herself and almost become dangerously fatal. He walked closer to her, wanting to do anything it took for her to be alright again.

"Mikasa, I care about you, don't do this again..."

That night was the second time she broke down in tears in front of Eren, though the first time he wasn't conscious, she still felt almost the same as she did on that day. The memory that was the sound of his heartbeat rang through her mind, she almost instantly felt what was left of her guard dissolve into nothing and she felt a feeling she wasn't sure how to put into words race into her heart, it was almost like reassurance that everything was okay for the moment. He embraced her, a hard lump leaping its way to her throat. It was hard to swallow as her eyes felt a stinging sensation. She weakly gripped her arms around him, breaking down and sobbing hardly onto his shoulder. He didn't care that she was staining his shirt with her blood and tears, as long as she was alright, he was. He spoke into her hair as he held her, his brow furrowed in sadness.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you..."


End file.
